


the salt you breathed

by sunnyeols



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Hinted Depression, Kim Jungwoo (NCT)-centric, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:34:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25105543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnyeols/pseuds/sunnyeols
Summary: Jungwoo was once small enough to be carried to bed. Maybe he still is.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 72





	the salt you breathed

**Author's Note:**

> mild trigger warning. stay safe, friends.

"Why are you so tense these days?" Taeyong says as Jungwoo stretches, leaning forward to grasp at his toes. He relishes the burn of it. From a young age, Jungwoo was taught that pain was a good sign. Aches in his muscle meant he was doing something right.

"Huh?" he says, looking up at Taeyong. It's not like he hadn't heard him the first time, Jungwoo just didn't know what to say. 

"You're really tense. Your shoulders are all scrunched up."

"I'm naturally a tense person, hyung. I just stood there on the stage, completely frozen, and they thought 'woah this boy's going places' and immediately accepted me in to their company."

Taeyong laughs, soft but careful. Calculated. Jungwoo stares at his reflection and straightens up. 

"You know that you can tell me anything, right? If something's bothering you..." Taeyong trails off. He only means well.

"Got it."

One by one, other members start to file in to the practice room and Jungwoo wonders if his stiffness is that noticeable.

Jungwoo is burdened by dreams. Not necessarily bad ones but it still keeps him awake at night. Doyoung's singing next room, probably to post on social media for their fans, and Jungwoo wants to laugh at the irony of it. _Love will keep you up tonight._

He shares a room with Jaehyun, sometimes they sleep together in a same bed, backs pressed against each other. Jungwoo likes the intimacy, the feeling of silent trust.

"If you stop improving, does that mean you're the best now?" he asks Jaehyun one night. It kind of sounds silly when you say it out loud. Jaehyun ponders carefully before answering.

"Maybe, it means the other way around. Decaying, you know?"

Jungwoo nods and says nothing for the rest of the night.

"We have a schedule today. You haven't showered for days."

"I know. I'll shower today." Jungwoo shuts his eyes tight and turns around. Instead of leaving him to be, Jaehyun pesters even more.

"Get up, Jungwoo. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

He thinks about the times he fell asleep on the sofa and woke up in his bed. His mother would cradle him in her arms and kiss his cheeks before tucking him in. Jungwoo was once small enough to be carried to bed. Maybe he still is.

"Why are you sulking?" Jaehyun's using his distressed tone. Jungwoo hates it when he does that.

"Okay okay. Getting up. I'm getting up."

When Jungwoo sees the trainees baring their teeth, tearing each other down, doing anything they could do to debut, he's reminded that he was just like them once. He didn't train for long but Jungwoo knows that the competition here is like no other. Johnny told him a while ago that he trained for nine long years while still attending school and was supposed stand with EXO, shoulder to shoulder, on the glimmering debut stage. But he was just _not good enough_ to make it.

"But I'm glad you're here now. I can't imagine NCT without you." Jungwoo had squeezed his hand and Johnny smiled at him.

He was eager to debut, but now, Jungwoo thinks that he understands how the future must've had seemed to Johnny during his trainee years.

Uncertain.

Jungwoo hadn't showered for a week or so but when he actually does, he doesn't leave the water. He folds himself to be as small as possible and falls asleep there. 

It's Taeyong who gets him out of the bathroom. He had picked the door lock, a skill he learned from Baekhyun during his SuperM promotion, funnily enough. As Taeyong goes to assure the rest of the members that Jungwoo is okay, Taeil helps him dry up with shaky hands.

"We were so scared. Yuta was even going to call the managers. How did you even fall asleep there?"

"Don't tell the managers."

Taeil scowls and Jungwoo lies down on his bed, turning around to face the wall.

Jaehyun doesn't come to their shared room. He probably thought that Jungwoo needs some space, some alone time. Jaehyun's bed is uncomfortable and doesn't even have sheets; Jungwoo only sleeps there because he wants company.

He feels so cold that night, sleeping in his own bed, alone.

As fans start tweeting about how _exhausted_ he looked on NCT's recent group V LIVE, Jungwoo's manager asks him if he's alright. Jungwoo shrugs and goes back to his midday nap. He'll have to talk to his manager sooner or later, anyway.

Jaehyun, with a frown on his face, hesitantly knocks on their room door, a day later.

"It's your room," Jungwoo deadpans. 

Jaehyun mumbles a quiet _"I know that"_ and slips into the room. Jungwoo pulls his comforter over his face and tries to quieten his breathing.

"I bought bed sheets."

"What?" He flatly says. Jaehyun is holding a plastic bag.

"Since you like sleeping on my bed, you know. Thought you might be uncomfortable. I even bought a new pillowcase."

Jungwoo's chest bubbles with something he just can't put a name on, threatening to overflow. He swallows but it doesn't go away.

Jaehyun strokes his hair and tells him not to cry. 

"Are you crying because I bought bed sheets? Your standard for me must be so low," he jokes and Jungwoo snorts, but it comes out as more of a choked sob.

"Whatever. Let's just sleep, yeah?"

Jaehyun looks troubled, but doesn't bother him about it again. Like an ivy under his skin and an itch behind his eyes, tears well up but they never roll down.

"Look at all these people. They are your fans. They love you. You're so _lovely_."

Doyoung whispered this to him before Jungwoo's first stage with NCT U. He had been anxious to the point of biting his nail for hours until the makeup artist tiredly swatted his hand away and told him to stop. The stage was blinding, silvery and Jungwoo was full of hope that it would be the start of something beautiful. Maybe it was. Jungwoo probably just doesn't see it anymore.

Jungwoo sometimes wishes to have a stage name. To have an alter ego.

Haechan is loud and fun to be around, he makes jokes and laughs at them himself before anybody else could. Donghyuck is gentle and observant, he prefers to keep to himself and think. Jungwoo envies them both. He thinks that it must be tough to walk along the border of two different characters but Donghyuck has always been a great dancer, he can spin and twirl in the air and still land flat on his feet without losing balance. Fans adore Donghyuck as much as they adore Haechan. They promise to love every single side of him.

Jungwoo is too scared, too guarded for that. Confident and dazzling Jungwoo on stage is loved by many, and that's enough for him.

He takes permission from the company to go home for a few days. They easily agree since the comeback promotion period is long over and they must have noticed the way Jungwoo was acting lately. Worn out. 

Mark and Taeyong are preparing for their SuperM comeback but they scrape enough time to bid him goodbye with the rest of the members. They tell him to rest well. Jungwoo writes a promise to be back on their Twitter account for the fans to read and leaves the next morning.

His manager suggests to have someone drive him home but he refuses.

Jungwoo, in fact, doesn't go home at all. Instead, he takes the train to Gangwon-do and goes to Seoraksan National Park. It's a long ride and Jungwoo dozes off a bit, leaning his head against the glass window. He has been here with his family before, complaining the whole way about how tired he was, but it's a fond memory he holds close to his heart, nonetheless.

Some people recognize him and stare curiously. Jungwoo smiles at them.

He takes one of the smaller trails and hikes for a while before stepping out of the trail. There are tourists, snapping photos and chattering in foreign languages and a few locals going on an afternoon hike but nobody pays any mind to Jungwoo. He wanders away from them, walks for a good ten minutes before sitting down on the muddy ground. Everything looks shiny from here. Maybe, from a distance, he shines too. 

Jungwoo sloppily clasps his hands together and prays to a nameless god. He has never been religious but it wouldn't hurt to believe just for a moment, he figures. Jungwoo prays for his parents and his sister. He prays for his group members and his fans. Jaehyun's timid smile and wandering hands, arched back and open mouth remain in the back of his mind, and Jungwoo prays for him to be happy. 

He thinks about tripping and falling. Rolling down the mountain, slicing his head and heart open on a stone, crows picking at his limbs. People won't find him until weeks have passed. Everybody will conclude it as an accident. 

But, Jungwoo doesn't trip and fall like he planned to. He takes out his phone and calls his mother, telling her that he'll be home soon.

Jungwoo dreams about open water. Ship wrecks and coral islands. Tsunamis trekking in and out. Tidal changes. Warm skin and wet hair. Chest rising and falling, rising and falling. 

He dreams about drowning but he dreams of breathing.


End file.
